Sunday, September 7

Another series of questions that could be considered a rant

It seems the world does not appreciate a job thoroughly well done, only a job done passably, sometimes even shoddy work. Or perhaps everyone else just knows how to do everything better than I do, such that I spend so much time, excessively, thinking about how best to go about doing something or what is the best thing to do. I was talking with a girl today who got a full scholarship for Quest, and claims that she doesn't really know how she got it, except that she participated in so many things, school clubs and such. But she said sometimes she would overbook herself and stuff like that, which makes me wonder.... she got a full ride giving what I can only logically deduce as being part of her attentions to all her pursuits, whereas if I am not giving something my all I decide to discontinue my contributions to it; it becomes a chore for me, and the value for my time is lesser than the value of my time to something I would more enthusiastically pursue. Is that not a more mature way of thinking than 'taking on too much' (as she put it)?

On one hand I should not be so constantly comparing and seeing what others got in order to point out what I should receive. The world often does not work on the same set of rules, as illustrated so well by that card game barnga, where each table has different rules and players move among tables. It is making me even more disillusioned with the extrovert virtues, that of breadth rather than depth. I suppose that is why I am constantly so torn, because I have so many interests, but it is such my nature to devote myself to one or two things, to do my best and become all I can, rather than do about half (or less) in a number of things. I mean, even if you gave half to three things, you'd have more than devoting yourself to only one thing, at least nominally.

And there is the problem. Nomination. It's so difficult to quantify many such things that it becomes the contest of honking your horn louder than those who surround you. But isn't that life? The world truly is a extroverted one, judging by appearances rather than qualification for the job. I suppose, too, part of the reason I am so modest, seemingly naturally so, is that I would rather be real and authentic than to puff up my claims, would choose to be judged on my merits rather than the voice that says them. Fundamentals. But humans aren't like that. I'm just so annoyed at how human humans are, and my lack of humanness in some areas. Sometimes, it's just so hard to connect, fit in, understand, succeed...

And then I meet those who seem to be so great, and who also, very recently before arriving at Quest, have gone through such turbulence. Why have I been spared of such tragedies? Why have I still not produced anything of value, have little to show for my efforts? What am I doing?? What is my life being spent doing?

Part of it is the curse of who I am. I find I am highly susceptible to 'paralysis by analysis', because I strive to understand something before actually pursuing it. (When I mean understand, I mean all of it, plus some of everything surrounding it). Further, then, once I understand the entire scope of a project I know just how big it is. Other times, once I understand how to make the project a reality, I lose interest. Not very condusive to showing a product of any kind for my time, and that's what kind of person I am, meaning that is my natural inclination. It's not a very consumable, marketable, strength.

...especially having just watched much of the Olympics, I know how little desire I have to compete. Why try your best at something that has been done countless times already? Why try to be faster than the person next you when even that may not be a world record? In the end, everyone has run the marathon, can't we have new ways to prove our superiority?

1 comment:

Molly said...


I'm not sure how to articulate just how much I agree with you, and just how much I empathize with your thoughts.