Saturday, September 27

forms of expression

At the open mike night two weeks ago, Caroline sat with her guitar and opened her little mouth to let out some astonishingly amazing tunes. It's so inspirational, and on the other hand, quite intimidating. Who am I to want to sing? How could I dare open my mouth to utter a single syllable when she can, with that same syllable, convey oceans?

But if I sang my soul, even clumsily strumming my troubles.... what can take away the beauty of that? Do I not exist to express myself? Why should I not share some tiny bit of myself with the world who does not know me...

Monday, September 22

A meditation spot

I long for a perch. Two endless ropes ropes reaching into the heavens, a beam between them. High enough above the sidewalks, the fences, the houses, the high-rise apartments, the skyscrapers, that they form cute colourful carpet, like a child's playmat. Just me and those long, long ropes, so long that I cannot see how they are affixed in the surrounding blue. Perhaps God had had mercy on me, took me in his hand and carefully deposited me on this perch, so as to keep me safe, isolated by a cushion of blue sky. Worries could not reach me here. Not even birds, metal or feathered, came to this place. Nor was this mine; it would be the first and last time I could seek this blue space - peace - as refuge. Time had no meaning; an eternity here would return me still to the moment I had left, and even after having spent unmeasurable amounts of time in this place, it would still feel as though I had only just begun. I must return soon. The pain of my human state was that time was constantly passing, one could only do so much with one's life. It was what gave life meaning, the redeeming quality of humanity.

Swing, I could! Pump my legs to gain height, gravity still weakly in effect. At first my movements feel like vain struggling in an apathetic ocean, but soon the two endless ropes bend. Swing wide, a huge deliberate arc, as though the only purpose was to swing. Swing through the whole sky, stretch to infinity. Swing higher, barefly faster, but there it was! Higher still, achieve more than ever before, faster too, keep going... Close to the tipping point, the swing jumps from the arc for a second, real flight! Then a huge swing back, higher, more. Once more a momentary escape from the arc, once more a giant tug back, the air rushing past my ears, a third swing to freedom, lay back and whistle through the wind, an arrow for its target, freedom, freedom, freedom!

Flying falling freedom

An epiphany?

Thinking back to last Thursday.... we were on Adventure Pursuits, meaning that instead of going to the classroom to discuss our readings on Rousseau or the Biblical creation story, we hiked around a lake and did team activities. At one point, with everyone gathered around one of the 400-year-old trees in the old growth forest, next to a small sheltered bank of the lake, Torren read to us a passage from one of his favourite books. It talked about nature, and man's relation to it. Torren voiced the huge amounts of water used for growing crops and animals worldwide, or per pound of rice, wheat, or meat. The numbers were staggeringly huge, so much so that I would not be able to understand immediately the consequences of such consumption. However, it was clear to me, in that moment, that the course of action for me to take would be to become vegetarian.

Of course, I follow the Epicurius "everything in moderation (including moderation)". Therefore, I will eat meat once a month or something. So far, I have been vegetarian for a week, though it feels like longer ....Though that could be because of the Quest Time Effect - that one day at Quest feels like three normal days

Saturday, September 20

Last night

My eyes could see the dusty light on the otherwise dark forest... discerning between the shadows and light even though I couldn't see my penstrokes on paper. The giant forest. I imagine a person at the mouth of the dark entrance, insignificant enough to be swallowed with ease by the black sea and pine spikes. From somewhere off I could hear giggles, the warm breath of friendship. A solitary train bellowed mournfully in the night. Did anyone hear? Would they listen?

Sunday, September 14

A picture

I'm not sure what to make of this, honestly. Detach. I like the colours

Wednesday, September 10


Here's something more from the 'desktop background' style than any sort of gourmet photography. I like it all the same though...

Imagine being a moth, drawn to this light, blind to all else... or an underwater wanderer, whose eyes, labouring so hard in darkness, fill their thirst with this one light.

Tuesday, September 9

The chair

Something's going on with computer technology!

On the left is the image I posted to my blog, on the right is the same image as my desktop background.... I am wierded out....

Re: Quest oddities

Actually, right after I put up that picture I started fooling around with it... and I like this version:

Quest oddities

A different feeling in this picture, of inanimate objects and such... that's all I have to say...

Sunday, September 7

The light

A bit of a deviation from the usual style today, this picture. The halo of light surrounding the stump becomes a form, kneeling, receiving from the heavens some instruction or forgiveness.

Technically, I suppose the giant light flare is undesirable but I like it in this picture....

Another series of questions that could be considered a rant

It seems the world does not appreciate a job thoroughly well done, only a job done passably, sometimes even shoddy work. Or perhaps everyone else just knows how to do everything better than I do, such that I spend so much time, excessively, thinking about how best to go about doing something or what is the best thing to do. I was talking with a girl today who got a full scholarship for Quest, and claims that she doesn't really know how she got it, except that she participated in so many things, school clubs and such. But she said sometimes she would overbook herself and stuff like that, which makes me wonder.... she got a full ride giving what I can only logically deduce as being part of her attentions to all her pursuits, whereas if I am not giving something my all I decide to discontinue my contributions to it; it becomes a chore for me, and the value for my time is lesser than the value of my time to something I would more enthusiastically pursue. Is that not a more mature way of thinking than 'taking on too much' (as she put it)?

On one hand I should not be so constantly comparing and seeing what others got in order to point out what I should receive. The world often does not work on the same set of rules, as illustrated so well by that card game barnga, where each table has different rules and players move among tables. It is making me even more disillusioned with the extrovert virtues, that of breadth rather than depth. I suppose that is why I am constantly so torn, because I have so many interests, but it is such my nature to devote myself to one or two things, to do my best and become all I can, rather than do about half (or less) in a number of things. I mean, even if you gave half to three things, you'd have more than devoting yourself to only one thing, at least nominally.

And there is the problem. Nomination. It's so difficult to quantify many such things that it becomes the contest of honking your horn louder than those who surround you. But isn't that life? The world truly is a extroverted one, judging by appearances rather than qualification for the job. I suppose, too, part of the reason I am so modest, seemingly naturally so, is that I would rather be real and authentic than to puff up my claims, would choose to be judged on my merits rather than the voice that says them. Fundamentals. But humans aren't like that. I'm just so annoyed at how human humans are, and my lack of humanness in some areas. Sometimes, it's just so hard to connect, fit in, understand, succeed...

And then I meet those who seem to be so great, and who also, very recently before arriving at Quest, have gone through such turbulence. Why have I been spared of such tragedies? Why have I still not produced anything of value, have little to show for my efforts? What am I doing?? What is my life being spent doing?

Part of it is the curse of who I am. I find I am highly susceptible to 'paralysis by analysis', because I strive to understand something before actually pursuing it. (When I mean understand, I mean all of it, plus some of everything surrounding it). Further, then, once I understand the entire scope of a project I know just how big it is. Other times, once I understand how to make the project a reality, I lose interest. Not very condusive to showing a product of any kind for my time, and that's what kind of person I am, meaning that is my natural inclination. It's not a very consumable, marketable, strength.

...especially having just watched much of the Olympics, I know how little desire I have to compete. Why try your best at something that has been done countless times already? Why try to be faster than the person next you when even that may not be a world record? In the end, everyone has run the marathon, can't we have new ways to prove our superiority?

Saturday, September 6

Grassroots community

I made a goal for myself that I would try to take more pictures in the style of desktop background that I like so much.... so here's this week's!

Maybe it's having a Mac where the window of my operations is such a different one, or maybe since I was looking for backgrounds I found something that stuck an inner cord. Either way, I love it when grass sprouts up between stones!