Never the same trick twice

The thing I like about blogging is that it is exactly whatever I want. Never too serious, nor too frivolous, in general, but a mix of both. Topic-wise I can 'stay true' to my varied interests, not forced into choosing a field of specialty - not that I could truly choose anyways!


It's pressuring to post on a certain topic or behave in a certain way, even if that is the way I normally behave. Every once in a while you have to throw a curve ball in your life to freshen your image of self, both for yourself and for others. Stagnation is never good.


There is a quote, the words of which I cannot remember, but which goes something along the lines of "predictability is simply a lack of imagination".


On the one hand, it takes a lot of effort to constantly keep up different characters. But, keeping that in mind, if you extend the occasional different facet of yourself, it can be like giving a surprise gift to someone you like to spend time with. It is that pleasure of giving and sharing that makes one feel light! Not to mention it's free...


And who wants their self-image to be flat, anyways? If one becomes trapped in a role they can start to lose touch with others aspects of their lives, becoming overconfident and forgetting reality. Alternatively, the concerning lack of personal diversity in a more self-aware person can foster the beginnings of frustration and depression.


So cast off definitions from your person. Even positive labels can start to be stifling. Stop defining who are, stop trying to find yourself. Just be.

Image taken by someone whose name is currently private

Stop dreaming sometimes!

My boyfriend, L, has many girl friends (sometimes it makes me worry), one of which I had very briefly chatted with on his msn a couple of times. Just from a few sentences and a couple of pictures I made an image of her in my head. She had rich red hair (looked dyed, but still a beautiful color), a nice complexion and pale skin, a tiny little nose stud, and a couple of cool photos of her. She looked happy in those pictures. The kind of things I admire and wish I had (my nose is not cute enough for a stud).

Well L and I were at the mall when we chanced to pass his friend, by the doors. I turned to see her, the magic building up inside me. She was a little shorter than I had pictured, but otherwise perfect; when she opened her mouth to speak I thought butterflies would emerge.

When we parted a few minutes later I was silent, struggling with the maelstrom in my head. She was young. Not physically. In maturity. She swears. She smokes. I was simply stunned. Where was the fairy I had imagined, wise and perfect? Why had I conjured that image in the first place? How could I have allowed myself such a fantasy, not questioning its veritability, not even suspecting it to be inaccurate? What does it all mean?

Who is this girl, really, the whole person? Does it even matter? For me, not really. She is the friend of my love, with whom I will soon part (moving: university). What is important to me is where I went wrong, how I had made such a leap into fantasy. And what does it say about L that his friend is such a young person? What does what it says about L say about me?

Last night, I met her briefly for the second time. She said she would have had a smoke and talked with L if I hadn't come. It may have been some sort of consolation prize for L, but for me.... I just felt rebuffed. The fairy image is buried deeper under the real girl, a person who just rejects her friend's friend.

I was thinking about this, and remembered something that happened with a woman at work. She was newer than I, and saw me walk four flights of stairs rather than the elevator every morning. We also frequently visited the workplace watering hole at the same time, where she witnessed my consistency in choosing water over coffee, tea, or pop. Every time she saw me doing this, she would tell me how she admired me for doing it.

Well, one Monday I was not feeling particularly energetic and took the elevator. As she stepped on and saw me there, she said to me "I am surprised you are taking the elvator; you usually take the stairs! I get such motivation from seeing you do that". That must have been the breaking point... Whether it comes at the beginning, middle, or the end of a relationship, there is that moment. The person you are looking at changed from being some angel, fairy, perfect creature, into a human in your eyes.

Those moments... In the aftermath of one of those moments I find myself reeling in pain; I lose faith in the goodness of the human race and the magic of the universe. If this person I admire can't live up to my dreams, what hope have I got? But those moments are good, otherwise I would dream and nothing else...


Grant