Thursday, April 10

Stop dreaming sometimes!

My boyfriend, L, has many girl friends (sometimes it makes me worry), one of which I had very briefly chatted with on his msn a couple of times. Just from a few sentences and a couple of pictures I made an image of her in my head. She had rich red hair (looked dyed, but still a beautiful color), a nice complexion and pale skin, a tiny little nose stud, and a couple of cool photos of her. She looked happy in those pictures. The kind of things I admire and wish I had (my nose is not cute enough for a stud).

Well L and I were at the mall when we chanced to pass his friend, by the doors. I turned to see her, the magic building up inside me. She was a little shorter than I had pictured, but otherwise perfect; when she opened her mouth to speak I thought butterflies would emerge.

When we parted a few minutes later I was silent, struggling with the maelstrom in my head. She was young. Not physically. In maturity. She swears. She smokes. I was simply stunned. Where was the fairy I had imagined, wise and perfect? Why had I conjured that image in the first place? How could I have allowed myself such a fantasy, not questioning its veritability, not even suspecting it to be inaccurate? What does it all mean?

Who is this girl, really, the whole person? Does it even matter? For me, not really. She is the friend of my love, with whom I will soon part (moving: university). What is important to me is where I went wrong, how I had made such a leap into fantasy. And what does it say about L that his friend is such a young person? What does what it says about L say about me?

Last night, I met her briefly for the second time. She said she would have had a smoke and talked with L if I hadn't come. It may have been some sort of consolation prize for L, but for me.... I just felt rebuffed. The fairy image is buried deeper under the real girl, a person who just rejects her friend's friend.

I was thinking about this, and remembered something that happened with a woman at work. She was newer than I, and saw me walk four flights of stairs rather than the elevator every morning. We also frequently visited the workplace watering hole at the same time, where she witnessed my consistency in choosing water over coffee, tea, or pop. Every time she saw me doing this, she would tell me how she admired me for doing it.

Well, one Monday I was not feeling particularly energetic and took the elevator. As she stepped on and saw me there, she said to me "I am surprised you are taking the elvator; you usually take the stairs! I get such motivation from seeing you do that". That must have been the breaking point... Whether it comes at the beginning, middle, or the end of a relationship, there is that moment. The person you are looking at changed from being some angel, fairy, perfect creature, into a human in your eyes.

Those moments... In the aftermath of one of those moments I find myself reeling in pain; I lose faith in the goodness of the human race and the magic of the universe. If this person I admire can't live up to my dreams, what hope have I got? But those moments are good, otherwise I would dream and nothing else...


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