New look!

YES! My work is done, and I am very proud of the new layout...

Lots of work, a few unnecessary steps, but at least the end result is close to what I envisioned

Away

I am taking some time to create my own template for this blog (I'm so excited!)

The CSS is alternately superbly simple and annoyingly complex, trying to fit together all the pieces.

I will still try to post. If nothing gets out in a couple of days, it is because I have dived into the deep end of web design, and am in way over my head...

Visit to Hole's Garden

I feel like black and white today!

Nearly unquantifiable

Personal values... sometimes they have personality 'tests' and values 'tests' that ask you certain questions like government spending on social programs, what should be done about the homeless, the value of higher education, etc etc. One of the things they ask is whether or not you would consider it risky to pursue alternative medicine, or how likely you are to go for it. Well I myself am always interested in those alternative methods of healing, looking at the body and health wholisticly, and wondering about those... more fuzzy options as far as health solutions. (Not to say I would necessarily pay large sums of money to try them)



Last week I came across this page. I'm sure there are many more like it that have all sorts of cool tidbits as well, but I haven't found them yet. This quantifies what some people believe about music or art in relation to healing.



To sum up the major points on the page so that you don't actually have to visit, regular exposure to music and music with art improved mental health. The test subjects were living in nursing homes, so one would assume that they do not have much music.
"Once the testing was complete, the results showed a statistically significant improvement in depression scores and in mood and behavior patterns"


I think it's fantastic that music has this effect. I think it should be made easily available to everyone, regardless of their life and circumstances. Same with natural sunlight, and seeing people regularly. There just seem to be some basic things we humans seem to do better with.


“At Baptist Medical Center, we took our Room Service program in, and on the first day, there was this woman who was comatose — totally unresponsive,” said Jenkins. “She said the only thing that brought her out of the coma was the music. Many of the staff witnessed it.”


When you do research like this, though, you have the 'chicken or the egg' questions. Are people who participate of better disposition, therefore more likely to recover from depression? Does opening the self to new experiences also open the subject to new and positive thoughts, regardless of the music played?



I suppose it doesn't matter too much as long as you don't attribute the result with a conceived cause. Guns don't kill people.... people do. (the guns do make it easy though)

Day of Silence

If you didn't already know, the Day of Silence is a 24-hour vow of silence that students and teachers take to protest bullying and harassment of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender. April 25 was this year's date, and I am sorry that I missed it. I'm not sure how much impact it would have had for me to take this vow at my workplace, where at least a few people are open about their sexuality. Next year, 2009, Day of Silence will be on April 17.

Well imagine my surprise as I am looking up the Day of Silence on Wikipedia, I find something called the 'Day of Truth' (on Wikipedia here). It sounds intruiging, to be sure, so of course I investigate. Turns out it's a day opposing the day of silence, and, I think, homosexuality in general (plus bisexuality and transgendering)

I have to admit, I was quite shocked. Is it strange that I've never been around a significant group of people who opposed LGBT? All of my life I've been surrounded with people who are good with it, or at least not publicly opposed. I thought that this closed-mindedness was old-fashioned and falling away. I mean, somehow the Catholic Church has accepted that not everyone prays to Jesus, or not the same way.

I know, there's just the stigma so strong, the change that causes a physical fear in those traditionalists.


Just because there are a couple really cool gay video clips out there:

About two (possibly) gay boys. Some kissing.

Adoption

Foreign ad for a drink?

Video entitled 10 resons why gay marriage should be illegal... excellent voice. Warning: some stick men going at it

Gay marriage/equal rights

Had to hunt down some of my faves from a few years ago, and I definitely haven't seen them all, but here are some good ones

Meaning of life in the bottom of the glass

They're everywhere, those metaphors for life, but I love it when one really comes over and knocks me on the head with some relevance.

Sunday I decided to make my mom a smoothie. Smoothies are my thing, like the best food-ish stuff I can make (especially those tart raspberry ones!). So as I am making it, I decide to throw in a few ingredients that can't hurt. Like V8.

I've done this before, just a dash of V8 in a couple of litres of smoothie, can't taste a thing. I also decided to put in just a tiny bit of peanut butter, for some protein. Load up the frozen rasperries, mangoes, chocolate and regular soy juice, and we're ready to go!

Mixing

mixing

mixing...

Finally! All perfectly blended! Time for the taste test!

Well, as you probably have more common sense than I do, you predicted it tasted terrible. I kid you not. I put too much V8, and the peanut butter was not hiding its taste at all.

Moral of the story: never put peanut butter in a smoothie. (V8's okay in small amounts)


Seriously, though, looking back at my posts, a few days ago I was totally uncertain of what I was doing, if it was the right thing to do, if my current life was just a waste of time. But this disgusting smoothie showed me that after all the hard work and time spent on something, when you taste the fruit of your work, you definitely know if it's right or not.

Hopefully that's a dose of confidence. It is for me!
(Though now we're out of frozen fruit...)

Saved from a worse fate

Look at all the CDs that were going to the shredder!

They are blank, rendered useless only because they had labels printed on them for data that didn't exist...

I am going to make a project out of these, more on that later.... *mysterious*

Mother's day!

I made a Mother's Day card for my mom!

I had these little 8x8 inch canvasses lying around for something for my mom and a couple of friends to do a project...
and I thought it was perfect for a mother's day 'card'!

It's watercolour (on canvas? really? well, it worked!), sharpie on paper (mailbox), glue, and tiny little paper airplanes.

I had started with the intention of it being a little more collage-y, but I like it.

My mom likes to send really cool things in the mail, that's why there's a mailbox. (Canadian mailbox: it's usually red, not purple, by the way)


Doing this totally unlocked my artistic side. Actually, it unlocked a lot of my enthusiam! I feel ready and able to do music again, and have suddenly decided to write a book! (check back in about a month and see if that one's still going...)

I feel my confidence revived. At least a bit. Art therapy!

Why I started blogging

After yesterday's post I was wondering why I started a blog as well. Existential crisis! Day in and day out here.

I used to write letters. They were magnificent letters, written on blank white paper with my unusual hand, in pencil. I would put down all my questions, musings, wandering wonderings, pictures... all of my dearest treasures. I would send one of these letters about once every two months to someone I deeply respected (or maybe even loved). I would never receive anything in return.

I came to realize that I cherished these more than anyone else, and that sending those pieces of my soul to someone who didn't care who I was would only break my heart in the long run, so here I am running a blog. At least I have a running record of who I was. Maybe one day I will do something with this, maybe not.

Nowhere near monumentous enough to show how much I value this piece of myself, but I think that that's how the big things happen anyway. They just are, we make room for them, and we accept them as necessary.

There's hope for all of us

I don't know if I can post today. I am overcome by some sort of spiritual fatigue stemming from my drop in confidence. Lately I have been considering taking off to be a lifeguard in Europe, or to use my small sum of money I have been saving for school to put down towards a house and settle into a life here, starting a photography career at some company.

These are, of course, fantasies of escape (how many pools do they even have in Europe? Could I afford a very modest house? Would I be content doing portraits when I dislike people?) Suddenly, going away to my dream university seems like a waste of precious time and resources as I have a sudden urge to both have a great adventure and start settling down before it's too late.

And lately I keep wondering why Quest accepted me, and gave me $16 000--half my tuition and board. Why can't I just be normal like everyone else, a hairdresser in some salon wishing she lived in Australia, a pretty young waitress who can charm her way across the country, an accountant who goes home to watch tv after a long day of work.

I know we are supposed to use all our talents (and I 'supposed to' because I really do beleive that), but it is quite hard to use those talents, make a life and a living. As far as I can tell, I have some stumped talent in music (I am acutely strage-frightened), some skill at writing, an artistic eye, a questioning critical mind, an an open, willing and optimistic heart, and a strong desire to help myself and others improve themselves.

Well, that's useless. How does one even go about putting into action these qualities? How does one know it is the right thing to do? I know they say you can 'learn from your mistakes', and I am aligned with that beleif, but to actually do something day after day after day without some divine sign that you are doing the right thing makes me falter. You could be doing something wrong for years and only find out later, or you could be doing the best thing for yourself and those around you, and never know it. How do you even know what your talents are?

In the end, though, I am an optimist, and I like this quote, very much beleiving it to be true:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others

-Nelson Mandela

Another Crane

Yesterday's crane

(The internet wasn't working yesterday...)

Did you know cranes are a symbol of peace?

I like to think of them as a symbol of love, for the world, or for one person. When I give a crane to someone I am telling them, I love you.

Should I stay or should I go?

A lot of my life (yes, I'm only 18) has been the struggle between nomadism and beauty.

Nomadism offers almost limitless freedom. Pack your one bag and off you go, not tied down by unnecessary possessions or obligations or ties. Nomadism allows you to experience whatever you choose, whenever you want, and leave when it suits you. You can do things exactly the way you want to. Obligations to return favours, remember, or think about those around you? Pretty much gone. Once you've had your little thank-you song and dance you can leave.

On the other hand, remaining sedentary allows you wealth. Greater number of useful possessions, like dishes or tools you can use yourself (rather than pay someone a fee for their services). Relations with your neighbours allow you to return one type of favor for a different type in return, something that could have otherwise been inaccessible. Not to mention art.

Historical anthropologists measure a civilization's development by it's art. If there is enough food, shelter, and other resources to allow someone to spend all their time doing art rather than foraging or hunting, the society as a whole must be doing well. Of course, in today's society we have a market for art. But imagine in the pre-historic days, wasting time whittling something out of wood or painting would mean death through starvation, exposure to elements, or other creatures.







So clearly then, sedentary is the more evolved way.






There's something that pulls me to be free though...








I don't want to be materialistic, there are just so many ways to display beautiful things...

note: these are not my pictures. stolen from http://ninainvorm.punt.nl/ , sfgirlbybay , http://www.midcenturymodernist.com/ ...though those may not be their origins

It's not masochism, though

Last night, as I was overcome by emotions--pain, anger and sadness, I thought of what agony it was. Why did I choose this path, leaving comfort and friends and love, rather than to staying behind as so many others do? Horrible pain!

Then I thought of the two things I like about pain:

a) pain lets us know we're alive

b) pain is temporary

To someone perpetually in an existential crisis, the first offers the comfort of letting me know I am alive, not a walking useless shell wasting resources on the planet. And if I'm not useless, there is a chance that I am actually useful, and thus my life has meaning.

The second, that pain is only temporary, is a phrase I use commonly and it's what gets me cheerfully through all physical pain I've ever had. Usually, though, I forget to apply it to emotional pain, and become mired in memories of the past. But this too shall pass, I will move forward in my emotions as my body does in time, and things will eventually, inevitably, become better.

The best way to rid oneself of pain is to embrace it, really. An open wound will become dirty, infected, and fester with neglect, but if cared for, cleaned and monitored soon becomes unblemished skin. So do not run from pain. Embrace it. Love it! The fact that it hurts more than you could possibly imagine means you are intensely alive, and that if you are alive, you will be able to move on.

Today's crane

Origami

I created this crane today! I chose orange and light blue, it made me think of seagull colours.



It only took about 20 minutes to color and fold it, and it's so cute!

Depression

To sort of continue from my last post with... depression. Clinical depression (as opposed the emotion we use every day) is a chemical imbalance in the brain because of malfunctioning neroreceptors.
To the very extreme depressed end, one cannot get up out of bed. Just thinking about things we normally would do easily, like washing the dishes or going to work, confuses and overwhelms. One feels guilty, helpless, emtpy, worthless, pessimistic, or numb and have no energy to attend to hobbies they once enjoyed, friends or family.
So the most depressed people lie in bed all day, sometimes needing care. Ironically then, it's when one starts to recover from their depression that one kills oneself, because that is when the pain starts to be felt again (rather than numbness).
I find this... well, depressing. But not clinically. (It's just a bit funny)

A picture, because I forgot to put one in my last post. (I hope I didn't darken anyone's day, I just think it's interesting to know these things.)
Squamish is there! My new home come fall!

Someone please kill me because I can't do it myself...

Silly title. I am not suicidal, I only wish that I didn't exist at all. Just one of those low times where I want to obliviate myself playing video games, sleeping long after my back aches from the bed, lie on the floor in my dark basement and numbly sing the alphabet over and over again.

How do we gather up the strength to go on, alone, unsuccessful, miserable? Sometimes it's the social pressure. Don't let on that you're unhappy, that your life sucks, make sure they don't know, don't let it show.

"So if you wanna burn yourself, remember that I love you
and if you wanna cut yourself, remember that I love you
and if you wanna kill yourself, remember that I love you
Call me up before you're dead,
we can make some plans instead
send me an IM, I'll be your friend"

-Kimya Dawson

Well these lyrics just cheer me right up! (you can hear the song here. The video is inconsequential. Interesting song...)

no one travels with her

they lost her penny, whistle plated,
nickle, quater, dime
accordion scratching tree-branch tunes
when windmen have the time
steam the engine black and white
an orphan home alone
remember the forgotten child
the train a soulful moan

I don't know if you get what I was trying to say but I still like it...

Rock out!

Personal values... sometimes they have personality 'tests' and values 'tests' that ask you certain questions like government spending on social programs, what should be done about the homeless, the value of higher education, etc etc. One of the things they ask is whether or not you would consider it risky to pursue alternative medicine, or how likely you are to go for it. Well I myself am always interested in those alternative methods of healing, looking at the body and health wholisticly, and wondering about those... more fuzzy options as far as health solutions. (Not to say I would necessarily pay large sums of money to try them)

Last week I came across this page. I'm sure there are many more like it that have all sorts of cool tidbits as well, but I haven't found them yet. This quantifies what some people believe about music or art in relation to healing.

To sum up the major points on the page so that you don't actually have to visit, regular exposure to music and music with art improved mental health. The test subjects were living in nursing homes, so one would assume that they do not have much music.
"Once the testing was complete, the results showed a statistically significant improvement in depression scores and in mood and behavior patterns"

I think it's fantastic that music has this effect. I think it should be made easily available to everyone, regardless of their life and circumstances. Same with natural sunlight, and seeing people regularly. There just seem to be some basic things we humans seem to do better with.

“At Baptist Medical Center, we took our Room Service program in, and on the first day, there was this woman who was comatose — totally unresponsive,” said Jenkins. “She said the only thing that brought her out of the coma was the music. Many of the staff witnessed it.”

When you do research like this, though, you have the 'chicken or the egg' questions. Are people who participate of better disposition, therefore more likely to recover from depression? Does opening the self to new experiences also open the subject to new and positive thoughts, regardless of the music played?

I suppose it doesn't matter too much as long as you don't attribute the result with a conceived cause. Guns don't kill people.... people do. (the guns do make it easy though)

Crazy ball on the river

Samarabalouf is a combination of Samara, the old French name for the Somme River in france, bal, a ball at which you dance, and fou backwards (fou means crazy), so explains François in concert.

French gypsy jazz guitar trio Samarabalouf just blew me away. With their wholistic use of their guitars they made sounds of creaking doors, grating carrots, the whine of a tea kettle in a lonely cabin scratched by trees. These guys were probably more excited than we were to be there (and we were thrilled), knocking on their intruments, dancing with them, having humorous face-offs, interacting very well with the crowd and getting the energy going in a seemingly natural, effortless way.

François, the guy on the right, spoke for the band both in French and in English (though his English is not in as good a condition), but the other two have just as much personality. It just shows that language isn't necessary, only useful for a tad of explanation. The guy in the middle, Luc, looked like he was ready to start dancing with his double base any minute---and there was some dancing with the instruments, too! With a quiver for his bow he switched between the flowing celloish sound and deep satisfying plunking noises to tiny little chirps, drops, and taps. The guy on the left, named Pierrot, did everything else, from strange cowboyish yee-haws to silent comedic relief, engaging the audience.

almost dancing...

a more mellow sound

I think it's the mark of a good musician or group that can really offer both talent and connect with the audience. Samarabalouf has a barrier of language but still manages to rise to the top and make the audience feel like they are just relaxing, a friend listening to the trio jam.

You can visit their official website here.