Friday, May 9

There's hope for all of us

I don't know if I can post today. I am overcome by some sort of spiritual fatigue stemming from my drop in confidence. Lately I have been considering taking off to be a lifeguard in Europe, or to use my small sum of money I have been saving for school to put down towards a house and settle into a life here, starting a photography career at some company.

These are, of course, fantasies of escape (how many pools do they even have in Europe? Could I afford a very modest house? Would I be content doing portraits when I dislike people?) Suddenly, going away to my dream university seems like a waste of precious time and resources as I have a sudden urge to both have a great adventure and start settling down before it's too late.

And lately I keep wondering why Quest accepted me, and gave me $16 000--half my tuition and board. Why can't I just be normal like everyone else, a hairdresser in some salon wishing she lived in Australia, a pretty young waitress who can charm her way across the country, an accountant who goes home to watch tv after a long day of work.

I know we are supposed to use all our talents (and I 'supposed to' because I really do beleive that), but it is quite hard to use those talents, make a life and a living. As far as I can tell, I have some stumped talent in music (I am acutely strage-frightened), some skill at writing, an artistic eye, a questioning critical mind, an an open, willing and optimistic heart, and a strong desire to help myself and others improve themselves.

Well, that's useless. How does one even go about putting into action these qualities? How does one know it is the right thing to do? I know they say you can 'learn from your mistakes', and I am aligned with that beleif, but to actually do something day after day after day without some divine sign that you are doing the right thing makes me falter. You could be doing something wrong for years and only find out later, or you could be doing the best thing for yourself and those around you, and never know it. How do you even know what your talents are?

In the end, though, I am an optimist, and I like this quote, very much beleiving it to be true:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others

-Nelson Mandela

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